Sometimes it seems as though men speak a completely different language. Just like the title of that book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”, they can be downright alien at times.
A lot of women like to play detective and dig through “clues” of what a man says to find hidden meanings and secret messages underneath. The vast majority of the time this ends up causing frustration, miscommunication, hurt feelings, and bigger problems.
The simple truth of the matter is, while men do communicate differently than women, they’re actually surprisingly easy to understand once you take a step back and stop overanalyzing everything that comes out of their mouths.
Women naturally communicate in a different manner than men do. If you’re like most women, you probably enjoy having long conversations with your friends, catching up on last weekend’s events, and when things get really tough you vent your frustrations to them.
This all feels perfectly natural to you so it’s easy to see why you would expect the same out of men. You expect that, as a human being, he should be able to open up and talk to you as easily as you can.
Unfortunately, men are not built that way and they operate on a much simpler level when communicating. They’re only as complicated as you make them out to be.
The main thing to understand when trying to communicate with a man is that they see communication and talking as a means to an end. They use it to get from Point A to Point B, no stopping in between.
This is why it feels like pulling teeth trying to get a man to have an in-depth conversation if he doesn’t see the point in it. If he feels as though he is talking just to talk and fill up silence, he is hesitant to do so because it’s not something that he has an interest in.
When was the last time you saw a guy spend over an hour on the phone chatting with his friend? Sure, it happens sometimes but very rarely and not like two women talking on the phone with each other.
Women talk and communicate as a way to bond with each other. However, men prefer action over words so they tend to spend more of their time doing things rather than talking.
To get the most out of talking with a man, try and keep your speech short, effective, and to the point.
That’s not to say you can’t have more in-depth conversations, but you will get the best benefits from speaking to him on the simple level that he understands naturally.
Another thing to keep in mind about how men communicate is the reason why they don’t talk about their feelings or emotions. As I just demonstrated, they’re not interested in talking about something if it doesn’t have a purpose.
Men generally don’t see the point in talking about how they feel about something. It seems to be a waste of time to them and they tend to avoid opening up.
This doesn’t mean that men don’t have feelings or that they’re not “in touch” with their emotions. They still feel the same things you do. The difference is they don’t talk about it and don’t naturally feel comfortable opening up about them.
They talk about things in terms of achieving goals, moving forward, and accomplishing things. To them, time spent chit-chatting is time wasted that they could be doing something.
Knowing this, you can communicate with a man in a way that he can make you happy. Since men are so goal-oriented, knowing that he does something that makes you happy is an achievement to him.
Men want to please you and make you happy. They just don’t always know how and trying to tell them what to do can end in disaster.
Let’s take this scenario for example: you don’t like how your guy goes off on last minute day-trips with his friends. He always takes off and doesn’t tell you until after he’s left. He checks in with you but it still makes you feel hurt that he doesn’t discuss it with you beforehand.
Normally you might say something like, “I hate how you always take off. It pisses me off and it’s selfish. I wish you wouldn’t do it all the time!”
While this might get you some results, it isn’t the best thing to say to your guy. It makes you upset to even have to say it and to him it might even feel like nagging and push him further away. He might start spending even more time with his friends because he doesn’t want to come home to you tapping your foot impatiently and glaring at him in disapproval.
If you take into account that your guy ultimately does want to please you and make you happy, focusing on the positive and verbally rewarding him will get you much better results.
Try saying, “I understand you need time with your friends but I love it when you keep me in mind. Letting me know when you are going to take off makes me feel like you do think about me when you make your plans and I appreciate when you keep me in the loop.”
Changing your wording around to praise him for when he does let you know will positively reinforce his efforts and make him feel good about giving you a heads up when he’s planning to take off with his friends.
Instead of getting hit with negativity and feeling bad, simply switching up the way you present your dilemma gives him the opportunity to win more of your approval. It’s like the saying “It’s not what you say but how you say it.”
One final point I want to make about how men communicate is the importance of listening to the surface message. This means paying attention to what he says without digging around for clues.
A prime example of this would be when a guy says that he doesn’t want or can’t have a relationship right now. No matter what excuse he tacks onto the end of it, the main point is that he does not want a relationship.
Whatever excuse he makes is not an invitation for you to try and overcome it. It is simply a way to “soften the blow” to avoid hurting your feelings. Don’t try to psychoanalyze him and scheme as if he is secretly hinting at how you can win him over and change his mind.
Even if he says something like, “I can’t have a relationship right now. I need to just be by myself and work some things out” it doesn’t mean he wants you to help him work out his issues. That’s his own problem.
The bottom line is that men are really not that complicated. There is no secret meaning in their language. There are no clues to unravel and piece together.
They pretty much say what they mean and mean what they say.
When you take a step back and look at what a man is saying in the simplest, purest form, communicating with him will be a breeze.
With Love,
Nick Bastion
